Grieving Process Newly Widowed

DANGERS OF HAVING SEX WHILE GRIEVING (AND WHY YOU SHOULD WAIT)

Dangers Sex During Grief - The Jolly Widow

In a previous article, I proposed that we should refrain from engaging in any sexual activity with others during bereavement.  I will go over the reasons why in this post.

Sex. The most basic, yet vital need to the survival of our species.

After losing our loved one, it is only natural for those with even the strongest primal urges to lose all sexual desire.  Or you may find yourself strangely answering the call to a relentless need for sexual pleasure, only to find yourself splattered on an empty bed, plagued by feelings of hollowness and the overwhelming urge to cry after climax.

It’s okay.  These jumbled feelings are entirely normal after experiencing such a tremendous loss.  It’s extremely important for us to practice non-judgmental observation (aka. Mindfulness meditation) of our strange desires, or lack thereof, at this time.

ENERGETIC EXCHANGE DURING SEX

During sex, we are not only literally “opening up” ourselves on a physical level, but are also practicing vulnerability on an energetic and emotional level.  Allowing all sorts of jumbled energetic vibrations to enter our already wounded terrain.

Essentially, engaging in sexual intercourse with anyone is equivalent to allowing an open energetic, physical, and emotional exchange between you and the other party.  In most cases, the vibrational exchange may be full of bliss.

But for some, the energetic exchange during sex may deliver some not so positive energy right into your womb – your most intimate space (not just physically – but also mentally, emotionally, and energetically).  Especially if you’ve felt some sort of lusty attraction towards them.  Or if you are seeking a temporary high in hopes that it would numb your pain of loneliness.

You will discover that some of their core wounds might be similar to yours during this energetic exchange.  Attraction between two people takes place when either their core values are congruent with one another’s, or when they have similar core wounds that needs resolving.

THE EFFECTS OF TRAUMA BONDING

During grief, it will most likely be the core wounds – not the core values – that catalyzes the attraction between the both of you.  It’s known as trauma bonding.

Once a relationship based upon trauma bonding has begun, it will take years of a combination of intensive cognitive, emotional, and somatic therapy to heal from.  The devastating effects of a trauma bonded relationship will permeate other areas of your life and quite possibly destroy them.  You do not want to get yourself stuck in that situation.

Engaging in sex during grief might give you momentary relief, a temporary high – but it will do more harm than good in the long run.  For both parties involved.

So, in addition to the existing pain that you have yet to heal, you have now invited more unnecessary burden into your energetic field.  Or you will have dumped your emotional garbage onto the other person, causing both of your wounds to tangle into one huge ball of energetic and emotional mess.

Doing so is just asking for impending drama and turmoil that you will have to work so hard to resolve.

THE DANGERS OF SEX MAGIC

Sex Magic does exist.

The human body is one fine-tuned biological instrument for manifestation, that doesn’t come with a manual.  This is where sex magic comes in.

Sex magic not only facilitates the mystical union between two souls, but can also be a means to practice the Law of Attraction.  I have mixed views on the Law of Attraction, but this is a topic for another blog post.

The basic principal behind sexual manifestation states that the thought and emotion we hold most strongly before, during, and after orgasm, we are most likely to attract and manifest situations that reflect those visuals.

During orgasm, it’s as if we are shooting a laser beam up to the universe and announcing the thoughts and emotions we have been visualizing at the time.

So, according to this belief, it would be extremely dangerous – certainly unwise – to be in a state of despair at the time of engaging in sexual activities.  You’re only asking the Universe to deliver you more of these experiences and feelings.

Not a good place to be.

My intent is not to scare you, or to disseminate some self-righteous idea that sex is bad.

EMBRACE THE GRIEVING PROCESS

Quite the opposite, I actually strongly advocate shedding the shame and guilt surrounding sex that society has taught us to believe, whether it’s sex through self-exploration, or with a partner.

Sexual bonding is not only a vital biological and emotional necessity, but can also be our portal to experiencing spiritual bliss. It is one of the highest forms of expressing love and appreciation for another human being.

I only recommend you staying away from sexual intercourse until you have tended to your wound.  Don’t expect to gain some sort of empty satisfaction of the flesh at this time.  Because it will be empty. And it will leave you more drained than you already are, more likely than not.

Don’t run from your pain, or from your loneliness.  Instead, embrace the pain and loneliness because it is a natural part of experiencing loss, and of the grieving process.  There is no need to always be “okay” or “perked up” as we’ve been conditioned by societal norms.  Allow yourself the space and time to properly grieve.  Only then will you be able to regain the emotional intimacy with yourself.

Read: The Healing Power of Self-Exploration

What are your thoughts on engaging in sexual intercourse during grief?  Leave us a comment below to share your thoughts.

dangers of sex during grief - the jolly widow

2 Comments

  1. Reading your article really gave me a perspective that I could not find anywhere… and feel connected to. I recently lost my partner of 8 years. It has been 4 months since his sudden death, and I am still pretty fresh in my grieving. I very recently re-connected with an old friend who is a widower, and we went for a walk and grabbed some light lunch. I found myself feeling very attracted to him… so much so it was physical for me. I was honest about how I was feeling, it felt easier than to keep it from him. I discovered he felt the same way. There was an immense attraction. I wanted to kiss him but he stopped us from doing anything. It has been 4 years since his wife (my co-worker/friend) passed, and he is doing excellent work within a group and with a trauma therapist. A part of me wants to so much to experience a release and have someone to hold me. He was the first person to deeply hug me… and it aroused me. I feel confused. We started talking on the phone for 5 days straight, and over the phone at night, where we would both have a release. I met up with him and his two daughters for a bite mid-week and I was nervous and so was he. He kissed me, but I didn’t feel the same way I did when we first met. But, then he would be across from me and I would have glimpses and moments of him that turned me on again. I ended up staying a bit longer and we made out a bit like in high school, and it got too overwhelming for me. I felt pressure and confusion. He would be the first man who has touched me since my partner passing. Its just so lonely sometimes, but I am also scared of being intimate. I had a breakdown shortly after… with him over the phone and then another male friend… I have taken some distance with this widower, but it feels really nice to be desired, and to be thought of…

    1. Hi Sonia,

      Thank you for your heartfelt comment and vulnerability in sharing a part of your healing journey. My deepest condolences for your loss. I know it hasn’t been easy. I’m glad you were able to be open and honest in communicating your feelings to him. Often, when we grieve the loss of a long-term partner, our close family and friends tip-toes around the topic of sex, or worse, shun it because “Your husband just died, how dare you even have the thought to get physical with anyone else?!” Our society forgets that we also grieve the loss of a stable, sexual intimacy with our long-term partner.

      Yes, it’s quite natural for us to crave the actual physical embrace with another human being. Physical touch creates a feel-good hormone called oxytocin, which is also the same hormone released during orgasm designed to encourage “bonding,” and “connection.” Especially if you’ve had consistent sex for the past 8 years, and then have it suddenly snatched away. We are creatures of habit, and chances are, your body has become quite used to experiencing that regular release of oxytocin, and it’s craving that next “hit.” So it’s going to try to bond with any next person you develop any slight emotional attachment (trauma bonding) to. The choice is not mine, but if you do intend to stay celibate for now, the trick is to recognize that your overwhelming urge to seek physical intimacy with this widower is only a product of the body’s biophysical response to “withdrawal.”

      You mentioned that as soon he kissed you, you lost the attraction. My guess is that you’re not actually attracted to him (your true emotional body speaking). But when you look at him from afar, it turned you on again because that is the body wanting what it can’t have. Hence, the battle between your physical and emotional bodies is what’s creating this confusion. I do feel that you already know this deep down. I believe you have the inner wisdom to navigate through this challenging period as you are quite aware of your own emotional states. I hope this helps!

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